Crying

It's sad and upsetting when you see somebody crying hysterically, but at the same time it's real funny.~ Seth Green

I'm not used to crying. It's a little difficult. All my life I've had to fight. It's just another fight I'm going to have to learn how to win, that's all. I'm just going to have to keep smiling. ~ Serena Williams

I haven't posted much this week. Mainly because I've been sick...again, and dealing with sundry matters on a daily basis that make me want to cry. I hate crying. I will do anything before I cry, rant, rave, yell, blog, vent, anything!

But when I cry, it totally signifies that there is nothing else that I can do. That there is no other way open to me and I'm out of options. Crying empties me of all emotion, grief, despair, helplessness, hopelessness, sorrow, anger, -- everything. It leaves a void, an empty shell and I'm left with nothing. It is from that nothing that I regenerate.

It really is very wierd to explain but there it is. I hate to cry. But I cried all week.

To all my Fellow Bloggers

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Check this out...perfect gift, wouldn't u say?

Thursday the Thirteenth

Thirteen Things about Vixen: thirteen things that I hate to do

Scrub the toilet
Eat bananas
Do laundry
Do anything over water
Hiking or camping
Yard work
Be introduced to several people all at once
Sort through my bills
Be awakened to the sound of a ringing telephone
Watch Dancing/Skating with the Stars
Pretend to be someone that I'm not. Be anything other than who I am
Be sick
Pack


PS: I'm still sick.

Thursday Thirteen

I got this over at Lisa's Blog and decided to join up with the whole Thursday the Thirteenth thing. That way, I HAVE to post every Thursday and it will give me stuff to post. I think:)

Thirteen Things about Vixen: daily routine pertaining to the internet 1. First webpage a visit every day is Yahoo. I read all my email, delete junkmail and read up on the news. 2. Then I head over to the Bad Girls Guide and read comments like a junky, or sit there trying to think of something to write. 3. Next it's off to Baggage Reclaim to check up on how everything looks on there, add some new articles, edit some stuff, monitor comments...things like that. 4. Of course, I have to check my Gmail addy as well. 5. After this, I must head over to MySpace. Delete all the friend request from the wannabes and reply to emails. 6. Then I start visiting the blogs on my blogroll. I start with Tired of Men, which is the last one on my blogroll, and then work my way up. I read newly updated blogs first and then zap into other ones to see if they updated. 7. Speaking of which, Nothing's Going to Change in my World, hasn't updated in a while. Get to it missy! 8. I save the entertainment blogs for last, which includes but is not limited to The Superficial, Go Fug Yourself, Conversations About Famous People, Pink is the New Blog, Perez Hilton, Dlisted and Spirit Fingers. 9. After this I read my sister's blog, my friends blog and everyone else who really doesn't blog that often but who try. 10. Then I go back to my email to deal with anything that I shafted for blogreading instead, aka replying emails and such. 11. Next I head over to Yahoo and play Spades or Canasta, depending on my mood and who's ass I feel like kicking. 12. After winning a game or 2 (great start to any day), I get down to the serious business of blogging. 13. Then I ummmm, check in on Technorati, Stat Counter and Bloglet. Ok, so I like the attention:) I'm such a blogosphere junky. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! Ok, I really don't know anyone else that does this, so I'm stealing from some other bloggers list. 1. squashedtoad 2. ivoryfrog 3. Lisa 4. phoenix 5. Lazy Daisy 6. Kat 7. D 8. Running2Ks 9. Jennifer 10. laura 11. yellowrose 12. Jen 13. Lisa @ The World..

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Nothing to Say...

I definitely feel like my blog is going from edgy to broad and boring. ~ Joichi Ito

Well, this is really how I feel. I don't have anything to say. There are too many topics that I do want to talk about, but I don't want to bore you guys. Like the Golden Globes. And the fact that I haven't seen that gay cowboy movie yet. I want to talk about the rainy, wet weather this week, and the curious boredom that has been assailing me as of late.

I wish to rhapsodize over the Italian, how utterly cool he is, and the fact that I've known him for 10 weeks and counting. There is much to say about the crazy stalker blogger that's been haunting Baggage Reclaim but I'll leave that out for another day.

I could tell you that my mother's birthday is tomorrow, and that my dad has gotten scores of marriage proposals for my hand based on the new pictures that he has prominently displayed in his office in Nigeria. Perhaps I should let you know about the new project I'm working on.

To sum it up, my life has been mundane as of late and there really isn't anything to talk about. So there.

Cell Phone Survey

This is actually my current spiffy phone, the one I got back from Motorola a few days ago. I'm soooo loving it! It rotates!!!

1. What is your current ringtone? Hello Moto!

2. What is your current wall paper? Water

3. Do you own a picture phone?Yes

4.What was the last picture you took?I don't take pics that much

5.Go to your 10th text message in your inbox..."if u could receive a pic 2day imagine a little boy with big pouty lips. that was me not being able 2 see u"

6. Who was the last person you spoke to on your cell phone? Joyci

7. What service do you have?Effing Cingular

8. What time is it at this very moment...12.17am

9. Who's on your speed dial numbers?

1. Voicemail
2. The Italian
3. My youngest sis
4. My middle sis
5. My closest friend in AL
6. The sis right after me
7. My closest friend in MD
8. My house phone
9. My closest friend in CA
10. My closest friend in FL
11. My closest friend in GA
12. Ok, i have about 20 main ones, but i'll quit while you are still reading...

10. Do you have voicemail? Yes

11. How many contacts that start with the letter J? That's pretty random isn't it? 9.

12. Who do you call the most? Hmmm, all of the above, see #9

13. Can you send pictures? Yes, but I don't

14. What are the last 2 digits of your number? 63

15. Go to your inbox. ok.. now wat? dumbass finish ur question
16. Whats the 15th text say?"Merry Xmas and Happy New Year. God bless you
17. Who's the last person that called you? Joyci, speed dial no. 5
18. Last person that texted you? The Italian
19. Last person you added to your contacts? Speed dial #10's new house phone no.
20. How many minutes are on your plan?450DT/5000N&W
21. Go down to you 25th contact, who is it?It's not numbered, it's alphabetical, and no, I'm not counting!
22. County your phone comes out of? Made in Japan, fell off the truck in France, sold on ebay in the US. Gotta love the internet.

I would tag people, but all that linking stuff is way beyond me tonight. So just let me know if you did it and I'll bounce over to your page and show you some love. PS: you could also do it in the comments part if you wanted to:)

Happiness Is....

A happy life is one which is in accordance with its own nature. ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca

There is a woman in my life that I'm trying to find the correct terminology for. Normally I don't call people names, but these are extenuating circumstances and I simply must vent my aggravation. It's a toss up between Effing Psycho Bitch and Crazy Ass Bitch. Her actions fall under both categories hence the dilemma. Your suggestions will be willingly accepted.

PS: It's not anyone of my family, sisters, friends or readers. So you aren't voting on yourself:)

Moving right along, I went to the Post Office today. The last time I went there was when I first moved to Cali, yeah my righteous indignation HERE, kept me away for months. They are increasing stamps again...to 39 cents. I understand the whole inflation thing with gas prices going up, but still, didn't they promise that the 37 cent increase was going to be their last?

I was very happy today. So optimistic, invigorated, sunny and darn happy that I shocked my roomies and my sisters into wondering what happened to me. That happy! The thing about happiness is that it bubbles over and spreads to everyone you come in contact with. My day was so wonderful, until I had to deal with that heifer over and over and over again. However, I refused to let her steal my joy. I told her I was going to blog it out of my system. She was too friggin idiotic to understand....

God, grant me serenity!

Pain

Pain is life - the sharper, the more evidence of life. ~ Charles Lamb

Life is pain and the enjoyment of love is an anesthetic. ~ Cesare Pavese

Last night I lay a sleeping, and was awakened in the middle of the night by my sickle cell acting up. Grrrr! I'm barely past the first week in the new year and yet it returns undeterred. Very, very annoying! Especially since I really didn't do that much to stir it up, the balance needed has been maintained the last few weeks...I'm not to blame I tell you! However, I'm well hydated, drugged up and happy, so please don't worry.

Moving right along, a BIG thank you to my friend Claire for my new webcam. This new gadget is the bomb! It zooms to my face automatically and everything. There is no way that this new toy is going to help with my Narcissistic tendencies, in fact, it's guaranteed to make it worse. Oh well.

Speaking of gadgets, I got my Motorola V80 back from Motorola over the weekend. They couldn't fix it, so I got a brand new one. How cool is that?

I've officially run out of USB ports on my computer. Which is not a good thing. I started out with 8 and now I'm down to none. I'm even using the one in front, the one that noone really ever uses, that's how desperate I am.

And here I was thinking of getting a Palm Pilot! Eeek!

PS: I'm trying not to turn this into my dating blog, so I've been glossing over some major developments. The Italian is still in the picture. So far 9 weeks and counting.....email me for details if you want them;)

First Tag of the Year!

I got tagged by Nicole at NicoleMart. Doesn't she know that it's waaay too early in the year to tag people? Oh well, here goes.

Five Random Facts About Vixen

(Whether these facts are actually that random is up for debate...)

1. I cannot identify one specific thing that I'm afraid of. Not spiders, not bugs, not reptiles, not heights, not the dark, not water, not death. So maybe I'm just afraid of fear. That's it, I'm a Phobia-phobic.
2. I do my nails myself every week. I own everything the manicurists use and save $10.00/week by doing it myself. Which works out great cause I always have really pretty nails. I have mad skillz!
3. I have a fleece jacket that I wear when home in the evenings, it's warm, cozy and has deep pockets. It used to belong to my ex but I didn't return it when I gave him all his shit back. Spoils of the war I guess.
4. I am not, nor have I ever been an outdoorsy kind of person. I don't do hikes, camping trips and the like. I'm such a girly girl that doing anything rugged doesn't enthuse me at all.
5. I get a kick when people around me use really big words. It positively thrills me that I know what the word means, and then I get all excited. I don't eschew obfuscation.

I now realize that I could go on and on. But I won't. Instead, I'm passing the torch onto Charming, NML and Mad Munkey.

Personality Test...

As you can see, I'm bored and in a posting frenzy tonight. What is your profile?

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant.Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive.You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Books

Books are the treasured wealth of the world and the fit inheritance of generations and nations. ~ Henry David Thoreau

A room without books is like a body without a soul. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame. ~ Oscar Wilde

When I first moved to Baltimore, my mom arranged for me to stay with this family that went to school with my dad. She felt that I needed some support moving cross country. There were issues with this arrangement from the start, I won't bore you with the horrendous details. Needless to say, I am adamently opposed to living with anyone that isn't related to me by blood.

Just to state the facts, I was super nice. I did recognize the fact that I was staying in their house and obeyed their rules. They had children which I babysat almost every single day I wasn't at work, I had no outside friends aside from work, and I was pretty much their live-in housekeeper/nanny/cook/moving service etc. One of the rules was no secular music...so the only time I played non-Christian music was when noone was home. Apparently, their kid had been singing some hip-hop lyrics and they figured he got it from me. And if you know me, you will know that I don't really listen to Hip Hop. He probably got it from school. Lil wanker.

That was what caused the freak-out.

On the last week I was there, things went from worse to worst. I had been staying in a room in the basement and the husband came downstairs one evening and started preaching to me, about taking 'sinful and immoral' articles into my new apartment. I was perturbed, wondering what in the world he was talking about.

He placed himself between my bookshelf and the doorway, and he preceeded to throw ALL my books and CDs in a trash bag. He filled 2 trashbags with about 120 books and about 98 Cds, books and Cds that I've been collecting since my teenage years...and fought me as I tried to get my possessions from him. He was 6'4", 250lbs....I was 5'4" and 120lbs. I attacked him with a ferocity of a mother hen defending her chicks.

Meanwhile his b*tch of a wife is hearing my screams and yells downstairs, and she comes to the doorway and turns right back around. Long story short, he won ~ I was bruised and banged up, and my prized collections were carted off somewhere...to the Junkyard. No, not to a library, not to a yard sale, not even to the trash where I could get them. He drove to the junkyard and dropped them off!

When I tallied up the final figures, he had trashed $2225.89 worth of my belongings. I moved out a week later and haven't spoken to them till this day. You might be wondering why I didn't sue him in court. My best answer? I punked out. Not only can he prove that I stayed there rent-free for several months, I have no witnesses that he stole my stuff. Plus, in my culture, suing is not acceptable. So I just had to wipe my tears and move on.

****end rant***

Over the past few years, I've been slowly rebuilding my collection. Some of the books and CDs are no longer in print/stores, so that part sucked even worse. Thank heavens for Ebay and LWire. Anyway, I just wanted to announce that I finally found a reprint of one of my favorite authors. It was on eBay, and sniped it and bought it before I could even think twice.

Rumor has it, they are seperated and might be getting a divorce. So yeah, Karma can be a bitch.

Seven Deadly Sins

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	Very High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	High
Pride:	Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Yikes! And I thought that I would fail on the anger or pride part. Oh well:)

Balance

If there be light, then there is darkness; if cold, heat; if height, depth; if solid, fluid; if hard, soft; if rough, smooth; if calm, tempest; if prosperity, adversity; if life, death. ~ Pythagoras

It's a big shame that I, a DIE-HARD Toni Braxton fan, wasn't even aware that she released a new CD sometime in September until just yesterday. I'm stunned. Her record label totally screwed her over with the publicity, because if I didn't hear about...and I live on the internet, then I'm sure there are millions of her other fans who didn't hear about it either.

I got this from my sister and now I definitely have to go out and buy the album. Just to support my girl. Even though it only has 10 tracks on it, it's a return to her original sultry ballads and I'm already in love with the CD. If you haven't heard it, check it out on Amazon, but buy it from Tar-jay or Walmart or something.

Check out the title....notice anything? Yeah, Toni's a Libra too! Libra's rock man.

Moving right along, I really had a very mellow New Years. Which is suprising, I know, but I've been feeling really mellow and homebody-ish as of late. Spent ALOT of time with my kid sister, managed to get her hooked on Sherrilyn Kenyon's Dark Hunters. I made a bet with her that she couldn't finish all 7 so far published books before she went back to Michigan on Tuesday. She's on book 5 now. I wonder who is going to win.

Besides that, I can log hours in the hot-tub, watching movies at home, ordering pizza and lots of girl talk. LOTS of girl talk. I realize that she is actually pretty cool, for a kid sister, and has her head on straight. I gave her lots of tips from the Bad Girls Guide and gave her advice on how to treat the little horny boys at her college. I would never have imagined me having a frank talk with my youngest sister, but talk we did.

I really feel like the wise older sister now. Wierd.

New Year, New Choices

Your choices today determine your tomorrow and you make your life through the power of choice. ~ Kathy Smith

When you cannot make up your mind which of two evenly balanced courses of action you should take - choose the bolder.~ WJ Slim

I have a dilemma. I've had a dilemma for the past 3 years and I'm sick and tired of dealing with it. It's a choice that I have to make, a big one, that will affect my future and the world as I know it will irrevocably change.

The question is, will it change for the better, or will it get worse?

For the last three years, I've been waffling, just going through the daily rudiments of life, reacting and avoiding in everyway to avoid making this decision, just struggling to survive and be happy.

Last year, my New Years resolution was that I would deal with it, make the choice, once and for all and deal with the consequences later. However, the waffling continued, with me finding a dozen other reasons not to choose now.

If I had chosen, I would be in a different place now. I would have already finished the hurdle, and been at the other side. But I didn't. And so here I sit...waiting...and waiting, for the tumultuous end.

What I'm really waiting for is for someone to make the choice for me, so that once again I can react. But there is noone that can. I can only make it for myself. And therein lies the dilemna. Because if things don't work out the way I want them too, I can only blame myself. Libras are fence straddlers, we can never make up our minds. But I NEED to make up my mind and stick with it and move on with my life.

I can't stay in this situation anymore. I just can't.